The Proof is in the Pudding...I mean cake.

Once upon a time, a girl liked a boy and a boy liked a girl. The girl was excited and hopeful to be with the boy she liked. They talked a lot, laughed a lot, and liked each other a lot. One day the boy asked the girl to be his girlfriend. She hesitated. She thought maybe she should think about it first. But she liked him and he liked her, so she just kept it simple and said yes.

She felt special. He was a nice boy, a thoughtful boy, and she was excited. But he soon stopped treating her like she was special. He made fun of her in front of other people. He laughed when other people said mean things about her. She asked him to stop and tried to explain that she was hurt, but he didn't think she was right to feel hurt, and it just got worse. She cried...and said goodbye. But sometimes he tried to talk, to understand or to listen, so she wanted to see if the boy would change. But bad things kept happening. Being with him was a game of 'how will he hurt me next?'

She got injured. He disappeared. He suddenly fell in love with a girl he didn't know and everything ended. But that girl hurt him and he came back to apologize. The little girl was sad the other girl hurt him. She was nice to him. She tried to comfort him. They became close again. And he made her a delicious cake. She felt a little special again. She hadn't felt that in a long time from him. She gave a little bit of cake to her friend, but hid the rest in her room to savor every bite of this cake...this cake that made her think he cared...and maybe she was special to him. The boy said it was okay to share because he would make her a cake any time she wanted. But it wasn't just any cake. It was a cake from him. She cherished it. It meant something special to her. So he decided she was selfish, and gave cake to another girl and asked her to be his girlfriend instead.

The end.

Deception

For all the imperfections and mistakes that a person can be capable of (we ALL have many), there is one thing I can't accept in a relationship: deception. If you feel unable to be open and honest with your significant other, there can be no relationship. A great relationship is based on being one with your partner. It's that unity and intimacy that bonds you as best friends and holds a special place for the one you love.

My ex went behind my back, searched about me online (but not in a 'stalker' way according to him), and read my anonymous journal for months despite seeing me several times a week, having several conversations regarding the struggles we faced as a couple...and the whole time, we never actually had a chance because he was deceiving me. He was apparently angry at what I wrote (fair enough, it was unfiltered frustration at our obstacles), but he never addressed the issues to me as an us...he just continued to pretend that everything was okay and to have deeply sensitive and serious conversations after which he once again would go behind my back to look up my latest entry. Now I look back at some things that stuck in my mind and realize many of them were his passive aggressive shots from the shadows. I'm sure there are far more than I can even remembers, but I didn't realize he was swinging, so every punch landed subtly yet solid.

Did he get off on reading about himself? Was he waiting to see if the narrative would change? Trying to manipulate the narrative to check his ability to influence it. And then when it didn't get better, decided it wasn't worth it? Did he get off on the ups and downs of my emotional frustration and pain that dragged out for months? Pretending...always pretending. Apparently I didn't give him enough credit as an actor. Too bad he can't add the past year to his reel!

At the end, he again expressed 'how hard' he tried...that he did his best. If his best includes a year of deceiving me, lying to my face, pretending and betraying my trust day in and day out...his best seems pretty weak. As bad as things were over the past year, I don't think I ever quite wrote off his ability to redeem my trust (people can change and I almost always see their potential)...until I found out he lied. His past was full of mistakes. I claim no right to perfection either. All those things were things I was willing to accept as each of us progresses and grows each day in our sincere effort to become better people. But deception, particularly this level and for this length of time, creates not just a wall, but a canyon between two people. And he was never one to overcome a true challenge. He was the one that got over one hurdle and then stopped and seemed to expect the rest to fall into place. And the more he works to prove these words wrong...the more he will prove me right as he might finally figure out that the shift I was looking for would benefit him more than me. But hey, he said he's ready to use what I taught him for the benefit of the next woman...so, you're both very welcome.

All the times he chose the squirrel girls. All the times he broke my heart. All the times he cooked for me. All the times he told me he loved me. All the times we struggled to understand each other. All that time...wasted on a sandy foundation that had already been swept out from under me. There were a few things that made it hard to let go of and walk away sooner. The friendship, the conversation, the companionship, the warmth...but I was deceived. There was never trust. The connection I believed in was his illusion...much like his empathy. The unhealthy relationship of my past repeated and I didn't even know what I had done to myself until a year after I betrayed myself by doubting my instincts about him. Always the benefit of the doubt. Always waiting to see if things would shift. Not wanting to project the past onto the present, so denying the parallels all along the way until the final end.

But it was all a lie. He was a pretender. An actor. His most convincing role thus far. The self-righteous indignation in which he faced me at the end, trying to justify or deny using me. Twice in four months that he was 'trying to figure things out' yet couldn't 'figure out' that he didn't want me until he was already pursuing another woman.

But of course he denies keeping me around as a security blanket. That would be too obvious. Of course he doesn't take responsibility for the mixed signals and for not being up front with me until it's already too late...again. And then to top it off, his 'reasons' add up to using his ex insta-fiancee's words against me, using a 15 month old sentence I had said against me, and then characterizing my deep underlying flaw as 'selfishness'. It sounded a lot like when he told me his exwife's deep underlying flaw was trust, yet never acknowledged his role and responsibility in how that might have come to be.

His 'honesty' told me what had happened in his past, but not how he felt about it; there was never a sense of 'this is why it didn't work out' or 'I shouldn't have done that' or 'this won't happen again' or I learned a lot.  His tone never suggested anything was wrong with his behavior or that he felt his exwife was ever justified in her feelings; his tone only ever suggested that something was wrong with other people's perception. And his perception of my perception was that I was deeply selfish. That was his final justification to himself that he should move on to the next woman he had already started dating before he bothered to clue me in to his feelings or 'perception'.

I take it seriously when people confront me with a judgment like that. Selfish. Okay. So I have thought about it regularly since he said it. It's the first time anyone has ever said that about me. My closest friends, the people who know me best, have never called me selfish. I don't deny that I may have some selfish moments (particularly as an overanalytical introvert who keeps her world small or feels drained), but I've really thought about my life, and considering the last 10 or 15 years, I have to say, I'm not sure I accept his perspective. Having served a church mission, having applied to the Peace Corps, having worked successfully in multiple jobs that focus on others (tour guiding, teaching, tutoring, customer service, etc.) having been recognized and sought out for jobs due to my track record, and having spent the last year of my life trying to make things easier on him while I was going through hell because he was 'figuring things out', and then after all that finding out that he's been hiding issues deeply relevant to our relationship because it was in HIS self-interest.

He implied that I was insecure, but when he got engaged overnight, I could stand back and recognize that it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his issues. He implied that I didn't trust him, but the saddest thing is that, in a way, I did. And in the end, it became clear that I had been wrong to do even that. And having watched the patterns play out in our last 15 months as well as learning about the patterns in his last 25 years, it only reinforced in my mind that he was/is insecure, he was/is unstable, he was/is not worthy of trust, he was/is deceptive, and he was/is selfish. Because there was never an us. After keeping me around as a booty call or a security blanket and mixed signals and everything else, he wanted to keep me around as a friend because he liked my 'unique, fun banter'...knowing how much he hurt me the last year he still wanted to keep me around for entertainment value yet I'M the selfish one??? Does he hear himself speak?

I was an accessory, not a major player in his narcissistic game of life. And when the accessory didn't match the image he was looking for, it was conveniently set aside. And when it made itself an inconvenient accessory to maintain, it was conveniently disposed of.
 
That last night we spoke, he got defensive and actually rather indignant when my frustration brought the concept of 'asshole' to the conversation.  After he sat there and blamed our failed relationship on a 15 month old single sentence that he couldn't 'let go' despite all his claims of 'letting go' of other far more significant things, after he used his exfiancee's words that had been directed at him to tell me that he wasn't 'emotionally equipped to handle me', after informing me that he had already been pursuing other women for over a month and had even secured a new girlfriend before he finally found it convenient to let me know while denying that I had reason to be confused by several mixed signals he had been sending out in the final months of our 'friendship', and after finally letting me know that he had been reading my proverbial journal for a year when he knew I wouldn't want him reading it and that it wasn't meant for him to read, not to mention he should have told me, I don't know, A YEAR AGO, so that we could have acted like we were two mature adults communicating and working together on a relationship...after all that, HE was indignant about being called an asshole. Why am I even surprised? This new woman only knows what he tells her and only sees him the way he wants to be seen, so he can go back to believing he's not the selfish, narcissistic jerk that kept up appearances with me only to convince himself some more that he's not a 'bad guy'.

Because he's the guy that chats up ladies on Facebook, starts pursuing half a dozen women, gets one of these strangers her favorite cake because he's such a 'nice guy' and offers to take her for a birthday lunch...all the while unable to face me or even treat me like a human being, much less a friend, so clearly, he's so not an asshole, right? His spoiled harem might not agree with me, but I'm guessing more than one of his exes would. A stranger or an acquaintance or even a random friend telling you how nice and sweet you are is not nearly as substantial as the good opinion of the people who are actually close to you.

And therein always lied the problem. He's the 'nice guy' but not the 'good guy'. He's the guy that can keep a thousand superficial attachments entertained with gestures above and beyond the level of attachment, so they are always gushing about him, but he fails when a real relationship (or job) requires a deeper investment, a deeper commitment, and a deeper level of loyalty. I can see it in him because I recognize certain elements of that in myself when it comes to really investing in and pursuing a career. I can go all in for a guy I believe I love, but a career has never drawn that side of me out. But let me clarify: the nice guy keeps up appearances and keeps you around trying to make you feel better because he can't handle the guilt of hurting a woman while the good guy doesn't string her along to alleviate his guilt and have a security blanket rather than release her to move on while he deals with his own loneliness. Sadly, loneliness affects us all.

Anyway, I made enough excuses for him and for me and for us in the last year. In my mind we were done, but the attachment persisted. But now knowing that he was actually deceiving me the whole last year puts so much into perspective. The connection, the attachment, the friendship, the love...was never real because he was never real. He was playing a role and I just didn't know. Aren't I foolish, naive and overly trusting of those I should not trust? But now I know the ending. The punch line. The truth.

Exit stage left. The lights dim. The audience is left with a sense of melancholic awe yet understanding at the final twist in the plot. There are a couple uncertain claps heard which happens when the audience realizes the abrupt end that faces them and the significance of the ending begins to set in. The solution and closure they awaited becomes obsolete in the face of deception. The house lights don't come back on. The curtain doesn't raise. There is no final bow. Which only adds to the poignant abruptness that ended the story.  

My Nightmare in Shining Armor...

I teach English to foreigners for one of my jobs. A little over two years ago (Fall 2012), I had a Turkish student...we'll call him...Barrel. Turkish students are extremely rare at the school where I teach. I am completely unfamiliar with that part of the world. I mean, I went to Turkey for a few hours as part of a cruise around the Greek islands, but the Turkey portion consisted of a tour of a few religious sites and a walk of shame back to the boat after I had a kissing encounter (yes, just kissing!) with a handsome local I met while...well, not shopping. So basically, I know nothing relevant of the country or culture.

Anyway, my Turkish student didn't stand out too much during the semester except for a few compliments during the course of the semester, so I knew he had a bit of a crush, but I was dating this Peruvian guy by the end of the semester and nothing ever came of Barrel's crush.....until a year later (December 2013). He asked me out. Just dinner and a dance performance at the local university. He was never my type. Nothing like the handsome Turkish man I locked lips with in the market 3 years earlier. But he had always had a quirkiness about him that made me laugh, so I accepted his invitation.

It was hard on our first few dates because I had just recently gotten out of a relationship with someone else, an ex who was from Mexico, and I had a lot of mixed feelings about that. Not to mention, I had been dating Latins for so long that I thought maybe my vision was skewed in their favor, and not Turkish. Maybe he wasn't attractive to me because I was Latin-blind. Also, when I get attached, I really get attached, so it's hard for me to see another guy as a potential boyfriend so soon after a breakup. Simply put, I kept thinking that the reasons for not being interested in Barrel could be because I still had strong emotional attachments to my ex and because I had only dated Latins for the previous 2 or 3 years. Barrel was completely different from my ex. My ex was very strong and masculine and down to earth. The new guy was metrosexual and efeminate, bordering on setting off my gaydar...not to mention he had an air of arrogance about him, dressing and acting rather materialistically. So while I felt nothing for Barrel, physically or otherwise, I felt like I should give the "nice guy" a fair chance and keep going out with him while I cleansed the salsa flavor from my palate.

Our first date was harmless. He was dressed stylishly, of course, and we had a lovely Italian dinner and a wandering drive through the quiet, snowy streets after the dance performance. We stopped in at a little house party for a coworker, and that was that. Unfortunately, my little wallet fell out of my shallow coat pocket, which I noticed after Barrel had dropped me off. Fortunately, however, it had fallen out in his car, and he returned it to me the next day. The following day had me in a bit of shock when a vase of flowers arrived at my house. Romantic, sweet, thoughtful...and rather over-the-top in this generation of dating. We had a misunderstanding about something that week and he sent another vase of flowers. We had our second date that weekend and that too was followed by a vase of flowers.

Our second date was much more interesting for me. We went to a nearby big city and saw the Christmas lights and had dinner at an amazing little Greek restaurant. That was the best part for me. I love trying new foods and this place had the most addicting pita bread, so when I say interesting, that's what I am referring to. Because I had lost my wallet in his car on the first date, Barrel made this big fuss that I shouldn't have even had it with me in the first place because he is a gentleman and I would never need money on a date with him. So on that second date I had left my wallet...but still brought along my credit card because there would be a few stores in that bigger city that my city didn't have and, if given the opportunity, I wanted to pick up a couple things. When Barrel realized my intent, he made another big fuss about how it made no difference...he would buy whatever I needed.

Throughout the date, I struggled with my lack of interest in this guy who was going above and beyond for our date. I wasn't interested in conversation, I wasn't attracted to him...but I pushed myself to find things to talk about and to make it fun because I didn't want to be a brat and again I kept thinking maybe it was just because I wasn't comfortable with a new guy still...so I asked him to teach me random words and phrases in Turkish. At least that made conversation a little easier to keep up. But I wasn't comfortable with him buying my personal shopping items...he was so insistent. Just a second date...I don't like it when guys spend that much money so early on. It ends up feeling more like he's just trying to impress or buy a girl's attention when neither party is actually invested in the other person on a deeper level.

All of this happened less than a month before Christmas. We only had two or three dates before Christmas.  He went with me to do some Christmas shopping at one point and we stopped by my friend's work so I could give her a Christmas present. I introduced him by his name, but he didn't really hear that well, and as he and I left the place he asked, "How did you introduce me?" I just told her, "This is Barrel." He started getting sensitive and upset. "After everything I've done for you, you aren't calling me your boyfriend?" I was taken aback. How extreme! Just a couple of dates and he's like this? He had a way of spinning things though...blaming cultural differences. So once he calmed down, we chalked it up to culture and let it go. But then he bought me a laptop for Christmas and I freaked out. I told him it was way too much way too soon. I told him it was overwhelming and it made me uncomfortable. I told him it was way too much money to spend on someone you weren't more seriously involved with. He insisted. "It's not a ring," he said. "It's just a gift and we can break up tomorrow, but I still insist that you accept it." Again he cited his culture as the difference.

I started to get the impression his family was loaded after I told him the first laptop didn't meet the specs I needed (I had already been shopping for one for getting my thesis done since my own laptop was a dinosaur and kept crashing and losing work for my thesis) and he showed up on my doorstep the next morning with yet another one...and when that one wasn't up to spec, he handed me $540 cash and said I should just buy whatever I needed since he was leaving that night for the Christmas/New Year's break.

While he was gone, there was one good thing and one bad thing...well, really there were two good things. The first good thing was that he was gone. I needed a break from how strong he was coming on. I could appreciate his kindness and desire to do nice things for me, but we had only gone on a few dates, so it was a bit much. I hadn't had a chance to just be single after the last relationship, so I took the two weeks as my welcome back to singledom and went dancing with my friends. The bad thing was that when he asked me why I was up late that night and I told him I had gone dancing, he FREAKED out about how he loved me but couldn't accept me dancing and being with other guys, so we would have to break up. And here's where my logic flaw comes into play. Rather than seeing him for emotionally volatile, manipulative and controlling, I reasoned with him and talked him down. Why I did that, I'll never know...and always regret. I was so bent on giving him a chance because he seemed like a "nice guy"...maybe because my exboyfriend tried to "curse" me when I broke up with him and I was trying to prove him wrong. I don't know. I always try to look for the good in people and I always try to solve problems...I don't stop and think, "Do I even like this guy?" I try to "make things work."

The other good thing, well bad for me but overall good (in the sense that I should give him some credit), was that I got sick, and Barrel was incredibly sweet, though overdramatic. He said he should have never left me and he should have taken me home to Turkey with him. He ordered food from a local restaurant and had it delivered to my house. He kept offering to fly back to take care of me, but I insisted he stay. He told me all the great adventures he was having there with his friends and family. His family had rented out this beautiful, famous restaurant on the water for their New Year's celebration. He went skydiving with his friends. He spent a few days at his grandparents' historic mansion on an island.

When Barrel got back, he showed me a website for his family's (grandpa's) business...a multibillion dollar company. He said his grandpa had cut off his dad when his dad rebelled and married a Jewish woman, but now he (Barrel) was the favorite grandson. Over the course of our relationship, I saw him spend hundreds, no, thousands of dollars on gifts, dinners, shopping, etc. At first I was always uncomfortable with the amount of money he was spending. But he was overbearingly insistent and I told myself that if I was really going to give him a chance, I needed let him be himself and see how things went. He told me I needed to 'get used to the lifestyle'.

It took several weeks before I finally kissed him. Even after that first kiss, kissing didn't happen a lot in our relationship. It was so weird with him. It always felt awkward...and like ZERO chemistry. Back to the gaydar. Blech. Our kisses were always Disney style...no intensity, no passion, no chemistry. Sometimes we would go days or weeks without kissing, and he would get angry and try to guilt me by talking about how I would make out with all these Latin guys, but I wouldn't kiss him. He would start saying racist things..."I guess you just prefer to be with low class guys." I got so angry with him for the racist and snobby things he would say...but he would always spin it to a lanuguage barrier. "Low class doesn't have a negative connotation in my language. It just means casual or informal. My mother is low class. I wasn't being a condescending, self-righteous, snobby, arrogant prick..." Okay...maybe he didn't say that last sentence, but you get the idea.

Another odd experience with him was when one of his exgirlfriends posted a pic of herself and tagged him in it to try to get attention because she found out he had a new girlfriend. He said he would talk to her about it, but I just told him she was fishing for attention, so he would do better to just block her. I told him it was no big deal and I trusted there was no fault with him, so not to worry. He escalated and when I talked to him the next day he said he had been on the phone with his mom crying for 3 hours about how this stupid ex had hurt our relationship and almost ruined our relationship. He said his mother was so angry at that girl. That was around January.

In February, he bought me a new phone for Valentine's and we planned a weekend trip with my engaged friends. We were going to get two hotel rooms anyway, so it made sense to invite another couple, and my friend had never been to the place. We drove a few hours south and enjoyed the sites. Even managed to find time to visit my sister and her family. It was a chance for her to meet the guy. My bossy little niece loved him because he would let her boss him around. My brother-in-law showed some of his amazing artwork (custom wood-carving) and Barrel indicated that this talent would make a lot of money in Turkey. My brother-in-law had some beautiful gunstocks he had carved. Barrel had me take some pictures, so he could send them off to his uncle and maybe drum up some business for my brother-in-law. If you understood how much I love my sister and how much I worry for her little family, you could understand that it meant a lot to me to have Barrel offering an opportunity for work for my brother-in-law. He's a hard worker, but he also works independently and doing manual labor, which is hard on his back.

A few days later, Barrel said he talked to his uncle and his uncle was more interested with getting my brother-in-law a contract with a company...he would be able to make plenty of money. Stability and relief for my sister. I was grateful. He asked them for a fax number to send the contract to within a week of our visit...but the fax never came. Barrel explained that companies have a lot of legal red tape when it comes to outsourcing and hiring foreigners. But he dazzled my sister with promises of traveling to Turkey once her husband was hired. He would have to go for an orientation and to meet people in the company. And maybe I would have to go to keep my sister company.

Barrel had also spoken of a spring trip to Dubai and Egypt. He talked bout his company and how he made money off trading stocks and whatnot. At one point he told me he donated $5,000 to the local church because he wasn't sure if he felt good about how he made his money. He also told me about a friend who couldn't pay his tuition so he gave him $3,000 for tuition. All this money flying around...for the trip to Dubai and Egypt, he sent possible itineraries and websites for the hotels we would stay at if I went with him. Honestly, the idea was exciting, but I just felt more pressure to decide my feelings. Acepting such an expensive trip while my feelings were not committed felt dishonorable and deceptive. He kept telling me that there are many girls that would take whatever they could get...that I should just accept and enjoy. It wasn't a ring. But I couldn't allow someone to spend that kind of money if I felt I was just using him.  I am not rich...not even sort of. My tax bracket is actually considered poverty, I think. But I'm single and frugal, so it's not like I live in poverty. But definitely not rich. And not greedy. So while some people liked to imply that I wasn't breaking up with him because of the money...I can honestly say, those people do not know or understand my mind. Even my mom seemed to imply it at one point. Incredibly frustrating and actually painful to feel that people so close to me thought so little of me.

A couple weeks after our trip with my engaged friends, he flipped out about something ridiculous...again. I made plans with a girlfriend on a Saturday morning (he and I never hung out until later in the afternoon on Saturdays), and suddenly I have him jumping down my throat about not checking with him before I make plans, and he went on and on about how I haven't figured out that I have a boyfriend yet because I'm certainly not acting like it. I felt stifled, controlled, manipulated...I broke up with him...or at least tried to. For hours. Literally HOURS. Like TWENTY of them. He begged and begged, insisted that he recognized his mistake and he would fix it. I was exhausted. I just wanted it to stop. I gave in...and he did change, and things were better...but it didn't change what I had been feeling for months, and that was this: nothing. I didn't love him. Didn't even like him romantically, and increasingly less as a person.  No attraction. I still thought he was a nice, sweet, sensitive guy, but he was dramatic, emotionally volitale and manipulative. Whether or not it was intentional or conscious, he was an emotional nightmare. So I went to see him to have another breakup conversation.

I nearly hyperventilated with anxiety on the drive to see him. The last 20-hour breakup was fresh in my mind. I didn't think I could go through that again, so I was literally praying that it would be okay, but I couldn't calm down. When I showed up to talk to him, I was a bit of a wreck.  And I think that curbed his crazy. We talked...he tried to convince me that his love was enough for both of us. Claimed it was a saying in his culture. But I told him that I didn't want to live my life without love so that he could live with his love. He realized I was right. After a couple hours of relatively calm conversation (at which point he slightly implied that maybe my friend's fiance was 'my type'), we officially broke up. He was upset...depressed, but it was over...finally over.

And then he decided we should be friends. That would help with his depression. He wanted to keep "taking care of me". He said his mom told him to take care of me...that he couldn't just abandon me. So we tried being friends. I was more relaxed with the weight of the relationship off my shoulders. I could laugh and have fun again. Until a week and a half later. He had another episode. We ran into my friend and her fiance (the ones that went with us on the trip) when Barrel was dropping me off for a sports activity. He was on good terms with them since the trip.  Barrel gave the fiance a bro-hug and the fiance said, "Hey where did you just come from? You smell like food. Smells good." My friend laughed and said, "Babe, you can't say something like that to people." And the incident was over. I thought nothing of it.

Barrel left, but soon after I got a text from him...threatening the fiance. "Tell that Filipino jerk that if he ever says something like that to me again I will break his arm." (I'm...smoothing out his English, but that was definitely the gist.) I asked what the fiance had said because maybe I had missed something that was actually rude or offensive..."HE SAID I SMELL LIKE FOOD!" Say what? Is this seriously a thing? I spent the next FOUR hours dealing with his drama-texts. I told him the fiance meant nothing by it...totally innocent and just an off-hand comment. "OH YOU'RE GOING TO DEFEND HIM!?! YOU'RE DEFENDING ANOTHER GUY TO ME!?! I GUESS YOU JUST LIKE JERKS. I WISH YOU COULD DATE HIM THEN!" The onslaught continued...he started going on and on about how wonderful my friend was for saying something to her fiance ('babe, you can't say that to people') because she defended Barrel where I had failed to defend him...I asked him if it was an offensive thing in his culture to say 'you smell like food'. He said no. I tried to be logical with him...so it's not offensive in your culture, and it's not offensive in my culture either, so if it's not something that is generally offensive, how could I have possibly known to 'stand up for him'...? Logic isn't his strong suit. The freak-out texts continued. I told him it was too bad he was freaking out again because I had actually liked him more since our breakup...the next day he was calm, apologized......and started calling me his girlfriend again. Kill me.

I didn't address it right away. I couldn't handle his emotional explosions. I was exhausted. Worn down. I didn't love him. Didn't like him. Wasn't attracted to him. I felt trapped by feeling a loyalty of friendship/compassion (this always happens to me in relationships) and being broken up. He was a nice guy...even if he was crazy. I still felt bad hurting him. Eventually I told him I had never agreed to go back to being his girlfriend and, of course, he freaked out. I had tried again and again to give this "nice guy" a chance, but crazy trumps nice. He dragged things out for weeks...months even. I took a break from trying to end things because my master's thesis was coming due and I couldn't deal with him and the deadlines, so I went along with his little fantasy world just a bit longer to try to get things done. I had to graduate. It was also around the time of my birthday.

A couple days before my birthday, he brought me some lunch while I was working on my thesis. He sat there, quiet and depressed. He had started saying things like he was dealing with so much that he had been stressed and so I hadn't really gotten to know him...he wasn't himself these last SIX months he had been making my life hell. According to him. The cops showed up at my parents' house where I was working on my thesis....someone had called them for a welfare check since he hadn't been responding to texts and calls. He brushed it off like no big deal...and I let it go. He made a big deal of my birthday. Bought me a camera and a tablet...he said we were going on a shopping trip as well...until he had another emotional breakdown. He said his friend had called for the welfare check because he had been depressed, he had talked about suicide...he said God had saved him because when he reached for a bottle of pills, he found his scriptures instead.

The following couple of days were extreme and emotional. He said his financial situation was becoming less stable because of his dad's political situation, so we should break up, but before that happened, he wanted to do everything he could for me...but after that week, our relationship would be done. Finally! Halle-freaking-llujah! And then I watched the twisted wheels of his mind start turning...as we sat there in his car outside of my house, he started convincing himself that he would solve the problem...we didn't need to break up. Horror! He had gone from tears to triumph in a matter of minutes...it was actually scary to watch the twisted wheels of his mind turn...the nightmare wouldn't stop.

I started taking on a lot of travel plans for work. It would start as soon as my thesis was complete. He said he would travel for the summer if I was going to be traveling. I said 'good idea' and he got mad that I didn't whine about how much I would miss him. Why on earth would I miss you? I've been trying to get rid of you?! Just about to have a shorter tongue with how much I've had to bite it lately...! So I miraculously graduated amongst this chaos and started traveling for work.  He continuously texted and called while I was working. I had talked to him about breaking up for real.  That it needed to end. He kept asking if that was really what I wanted. He said he hadn't told me everything...he then told me that his mom had cancer and so that's what had been affecting him so much. I said I was very sorry to hear that, but that wasn't a reason to stay together. He said fine, but warned me never to do this to a man again. I asked what he meant. He said I was leaving him in his time of need and would I do something like that to my husband? Just leave him because he's having a hard time. More manipulation. I held my ground though.

A few days later, he said his dad was coming to the States for a meeting since his position was government-related and that he would fly to D.C. to meet with his dad. He said it's always weird to do that because he has to have bodyguards, etc. I was in California traveling for work when the day of his trip came. He said he was at the airport and he would have to turn off his phone for his flight.

And that's when it all fell apart. Only an hour or two after he said he had turned off his phone for his flight, I got a FaceBook message from a mutual acquaintance. He asked if I had talked to Barrel recently. I said yes, but didn't disclose much information. He said that Barrel had borrowed some money from him and then blocked him on FaceBook and wasn't answering his calls or texts. I was confused to say the least. Why would this person say these things if they weren't true? But how could this be true? I had seen Barrel, watched him spend thousands of dollars. And then I really got a shock. This acquaintance messaged me to say nevermind, his sister found Barrel at his apartment and he FaceTimed with him on her phone. In my mind..."Ummm, excuse me, he's on a flight to D.C."  I didn't say anything to the acquaintance, but I called my mom who lives nearby and told her I was freaking out a bit. I explained the situation and my mom stopped by his apartment, but no one answered. She tracked down someone from his church, though, and they said they saw him around over the weekend.

His emails from his mom were getting ridiculous. "My dear daughter, Barrel said you broke up again and this is so difficult for him. He really needs to be with someone who loves him, so I am going to send his exgirlfriend to take care of him. She still loves him and that's what he needs. But if I have misunderstood, please just tell me and I won't send her." It hit me. I had never talked to his mom. Barrel was behind all the emails. Then his "dad" emailed me to tell me that Barrel never loved me and he was just used to me and I was never his type, how could I be? It was almost funny to see his wild desparation...except that his lunacy was terrifying at the same time. I had spent over 6 months with someone and it was all lies. I had invited him into my life, my world...my family's life. The contract for my brother-in-law had never existed. Months had gone by with only excuses from Barrel. He had also made promises to buy items from my sister's business, but put that off for months...more excuses.

Finally, I got a chance to talk to people that could confirm facts. Barrel, the liar. About everything. Promises to my family, promises to me...where he was, who he was, his family and personal situaton. Lies upon lies. Ongoing, never-ending. He never went to Turkey for the holidays. He didn't have the money. His offer to come back to take care of me because I was sick...he had never left. He told me he had been a church volunteer in Greece for two years. Never happened. He hadn't even been a church member for long before he came to America. His family's busines: lie. Even the ex-girlfriend that caused all that drama early on by tagging him in a picture...that was a fake FaceBook account he created and he was behind it all. He had creatd multiple FaceBook accounts to make himself look cooler or more desireable than he really was. All the times he called me, angry after talking to his mother about an email I had sent to her...but it was him all along.  He was crazy. Complete lunatic.

When I confronted him (over the phone), he kept trying to test how much I really knew to see if he could minimize how much truth he would have to tell. Even when I asked him to tell me the truth, he said, "What kind of truth?" As far as I know, there's one truth. After all kinds of evasion and partial truths to see if there waasnything he could salvage, he claimed he had been diagnosed as bipolar, but hadn't gotten any treatment. I researched a little on it...everything fit rather well with that explanation. His mania and depression, his lies, compulsive behavior and controlling attitude. But then his depression was kicking in...he kept threatening to commit suicide. I was fairly certain he was just doing it to manipulate and get attention, but I also wasn't willing to take that risk. So while I refused to see him, I allowed him to keep texting me here and there to talk him down. I even sent the cops to check on him once. He got mad at me for that. I eventually got a hold of someone who knew his parents and tried to give them an idea of what was going on. Within a week, his parents flew him home.

But he kept emailing. I was busy traveling at work and honestly just wanted to be done with him, so when I didn't respond for a few days, he again became crazy. He emailed a contact in my hometown and asked them to call me because I was being an 'irresponsible friend' and he needed to know how his 'friend' was doing. The contact knew of what he had put me through, so he called simply to let me know about the email rather than to guilt me. I was driving all day for work (over 10 hours) and actually feeling ill from the long days and lack of sleep on that trip. That night I got a call from an international number while I was briefing my boss on the trip. It was after midnight. I answered out of habit, but hung up before saying a word because I realized it would be him. The next morning, I finished my trip and when I had some time waiting at the airport, I emailed him. I told him I was busy and working and tired and sick and I didn't have time to be harrassed by him or his contact guilting me and telling me I'm being irresponsible. His response just made me more frustrated. "Oh I am so glad to hear from you! I'm sorry you're not feeling well, but don't worry about me, everything is fine."

I didn't responsd for 3 days. And the calls started coming the third night. I didn't answer. After a few rejected calls, he started texting...threatening to kill himself. I couldn't do it anymore. I turned off my phone and went to bed. He was home with his parents. He was not my responsibility. I could not live with my life held ransom by the whims and threats of this lunatic. When I awoke in the morning there were more texts and emails as well. He said he had cried all night. His parents were worried for his health. I held my ground and didn't respond. After a couple more emails, I reached out to the same person I had contacted to let his parents know of his insanity. He visited the family and advised Barrel to stop contacting me. The contact emailed me about it and told me to let him know if Barrel contacted me again...which he did...a week later. Claiming that he waas totally over me and could go out with another girl tomorrow if he wanted so he didn't understand why I wouldn't talk to him. I forwarded the email to the contact and the contact said Barrel sseemed to be doing better but still had a long way to go. I knew that Barrel was putting on a show for them...twisting everything that he had done because the contact didn't know me and neither did his parents...so he could say whatever he wanted and make it look like maybe he did nothing wrong.

Six weeks later, he was back in America. I had thought his parents would keep him in Turkey. I had prayed...that is more accurate. How could they let him come back? Wouldn't his parents of all people realize he's mental?! How can they not know their son? They should keep their crazies in their own country and not allow him to cause international issues. Part of uncovering his lies was discovering how many people he had defrauded. Many people had fallen for his lies and given him generous amounts of money. Others had loaned him money and never been paid back. Some of the people I talked to were willing to forgive and let it go, which I totally understand...but to let him continue defrauding others...why would no one seek to protect his future victims?

I got a text from him the day he returned. He claimed to have seen my car. Claimed to be over me. I would not respond. He texted and emailed a bit more saying he didn't understand why I wasn't responding. A couple weeks later another email came claiming he had a new girlfriend, so obviously he was over me and this new girlfriend was amazing and wonderful and they were in love. At first I figured it was, of course, another lie. However, another email from Barrel indicated that he knew I had talked about our relationship to a coworker because my coworker tried to warn his new girlfriend about him. I hadn't remembered saying much to my coworker, so I tracked him down and asked him for more detail. He said I had only said he was a psycho drama queen. Fair enough. I recommended that if my coworker cared about this new girl, he should warn her, but otherwise try to stay out of it because Barrel was an absolute mess, and it was safer to stay out of it. Of course, I got another email after that. "TELL YOUR STUPID FRIENDS TO STAY AWAY FROM MY GIRLFRIEND! SHE LOVES ME AND I LOVE HER, AND SHE KNOWS THE REAL ME, SO YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING! IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GO AROUND DOING THE SAME THING OT YOU, THEN LEAVE ME ALONE AND I WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE!" Ummm...promise? Loser...really? You'll do the same thing? By all means, go around TELLING THE TRUTH! You'll only make me look better. But with the hope that maybe, just maybe I would never hear from him again, I did nothing.

And it worked. For a few weeks. And then another email. And another a month later. Around Christmas time, he even went so far as to contact each of my parents by email and text to try to manipulate them as well. He wanted 'his stuff' back. My Valentine's gift and birthdaay presents...obviously he had gotten himself into another financial jam and was trying to bail himself out. My parents were the ones that had told me to stay away from him and get him out of my life, so fortunately, his insanity fell on deaf ears. I had offered to return things to him multiple times when I was trying to break up with him and each time he insisted that I keep them. At one point he asked for them, but it was after so much back and forth drama and manipulation that I told him I owe him nothing and I'm done with that conversation. He actually told me that made him happy. He was glad that I was going to keep them. He always said he likes my strong personality.

It's been a couple months since his last crazy email. Around January (2015), he somehow found out I told another coworker about my 'crazy ex'. So his email was...honestly I don't know the right adjective for it. He said I must be really struggling and I must not be over him...maybe I needed to see a doctor and get some medication. How could I be okay hearing about how happy he was with his new angle fiancee and how she had healed him? But he was worried about me and so was his fiancee and other people. I wanted to through up at his disgustingly smug tone. Once again, his lunatic mind had managed to turn the tables and twist the truth. I wonder if he actually believes his own lies. I wonder if he even knows the difference between reality and his own false world.

To be honest...this doesn't even cover everything. There were plenty of moments with roommates and my family and friends...my roommate actually did notice he had a sour smell. She got rid of the couch he used to sit on because the smell wouldn't go away. He always wore platform shoes because it turns out he's several inches shorter than me. I look back and I really don't even understand myself. I know it somehow made sense at the time...I know that I was doing the best I knew how to do...but how did I live with that nightmare for so long? How did I not call him out on his emotionally volatility and end things with the laptop or when he freaked about me going dancing? Why would I have put up with that? Absolute nightmare. But hey, on the plus side, I can spot fake FaceBook accounts and stock photos a lot faster now. So...you know, I learnes something. And provided my friends and roommates with amusing memories they will never forget. And I can only hope to. I started dating a new guy around the time Barrel came back from Turkey. He was great in certain aspects...honestly, if nothing else, it was SO NICE to enjoy kissing again! Sadly, that relationship didn't work out either. Feel free to follow that story in my other entries. :)

  

I don't accept normal

If you want to better understand this post and how it was inspired, read this article first:
http://mic.com/articles/110338/12-women-who-had-the-perfect-response-to-sexist-questions

Now, I know what I'm about to say is not exactly the same topic...but the other day I saw a different article posted on the 'magic of makeup' and every item was a before and after picture of women that were not even recognizable from their first picture...and I hated it.

Enhancing your beauty with a little mascara and coverup or blush is completely different from losing yourself in a tub of colored creams and powders. How are you supposed to accept and love your body when your glamour shots look like somebody else? Halloween, sure, look like someone else...preferably the Hulk...or a muppet.

Women are not just here for your viewing pleasure. And before you agree with me, ladies, let me say this: neither are men. There are some (both men and women, in fact) that may feel (consciously or subconsciously) that they gain "confidence" through superficial validation while their insecurities are temporarily soothed...but this just makes a person dependent on others for consistent, constant and empty validation to maintain that "confidence". And yes it's in quotes because guess what...it's not real confidence. If your self-confidence is dependent on constant compliments, it's as unstable as two-legged cow...named Lean Beef.

Not to mention, just because people are willing to put themselves up for display, doesn't mean we should look at them that way. Their need to behave that way often indicates their insecurities (or desensitivity...I'm gonna go ahead and take some liberties by creating that word), but telling yourself it's okay to take advantage of that doesn't actually make it okay. Is a low-cut shirt an invitation to look at a woman's boobs? Honestly, that depends on the woman. Does that mean you should though?

Right about now, some will probably jump in and say, wait for it, "But it's NORMAL." What did your momma tell you about the phrase, "But everybody's doing it..."? (add whiny teenage voice for proper effect). Normal changes every year. And people just go along for the ride. Once upon a time, a bikini wasn't normal. Once upon a time, pornography wasn't normal. Once upon a time, sex before marriage wasn't normal. Once upon a time, abortion wasn't normal. If I defined my life, my value, my standards, my beliefs by what's "normal", I'd have to reinvent myself every year with the crashing morals of what I see around me. Another defense maybe...? How about this other favorite defense, "But it's BIOLOGY"...and then there's the classic "boys will be boys". YES, I get that there is some biology to it, and, in fact, recently read a fascinating post by a man who talked about that and how it is a daily struggle to be honest with himself about where his mind should be. He is choosing his mind, his conscience, over "normal" and "biology". Last I checked, your brain is also part of your biology. Do you have no more value than a cat in heat or do you hold yourself to a higher value with your mind?  http://78mag.com/2015/02/a-mans-perspective-on-yoga-pants/

So while this post is increasingly becoming less related to the initial article that inspired this (given at the top of this post), reading that initial article makes me glad that these women recognize and stand up for their value and talent as a PERSON rather than just being UNDERvalued as an aesthetically pleasing woman who wears pretty clothes, has pretty hair, and does her pretty nails. Yes there are many beautiful women in this world, but that does not DEFINE or give VALUE to us. A "hot" girl has no more value than a "not" girl, and a girl has no less value than a boy. Avoid gawking, ogling, fantasizing and lusting after someone you don't even know. Save it for someone you LOVE (reciprocally or otherwise it's just creepy stalker-ish).

I know that most people will ignore this or tell me however many ways I'm wrong or that it's not that big a deal or "it was just a joke"...and I respect your right to have a different opinion. But before you criticize my view, think of your daughters (present or future). What are they worth? What will you teach them about human value?

Whether it's women or men, boys or girls, lusting after a stranger is just disrespectful. Same reason I hated the slow-mo portion of "Click". Same reason I never responded to a guy who's opening line for flirting was "We could bet on this game. Maybe you could ride me for 8 seconds...I was totally joking." I'm tired of hearing all the superficial, lustful comments about STRANGERS. "I'd tap that"? REALLY?? Don't touch me...in fact, please don't even look at me.

I'm exhausted by the praise that is showered on the "beautiful people" for no other reason than that: appearance. If that's all you're bringing to my table, you have some personal progress to work on, because CHARACTER and how you make OTHERS feel emotionally trumps a pretty face (or hot body...or booty cuz you know I haven't forgotten Lady Kim) EVERY TIME!

No Growth Without Rain, No Life Without Pain

I have never loved someone so much, and I have never betrayed myself so completely for someone so wholly undeserving of that love. His emotional and verbal abuse was nonstop...but I interpreted his need for me as love, and I was sure that, one day, he would realize that if I was the first person he wanted to talk to every morning, if he would actually get impatient waiting for me to wake up so he could talk to me, if I was the first person he wanted to see when he got home, if I was the one he came to for everything, if I was the one he trusted and opened up to...I was sure he would realize how much I meant to him and he would eventually commit to our relationship. What I didn't realize is how codependent and unhealthy our relationship had become.

Despite all his bipolar depressed cycles, despite pushing me away and pulling me in, despite him treating me more like a security blanket than a girlfriend, I thought maybe, just maybe, if I could last through all the emotional and verbal abuse...things would be different once he figured out his crap...faced his demons...or whatever other half-truths he fed me so I would keep hanging on. I tried to pull away several times, but he always made sure to give me that cursed hope...tugging at me every time I tried to pull away, tried to shake myself out of the nightmare I was living. And if I told him to just let me be...he would come after me, pull me close, and kiss me over and over. Hope became my own personal four letter word.

I was so lost in this terrible excuse for love that I didn't even realize I was a prisoner. Eventually I was able to do the one thing I never knew I was strong enough to do. Leave. It literally took months to remember how to smile without pain. Because of all the psychological games and manipulation he put me through, though unintentional on his part it was still the case, it took years before I could have a guy look at me without wanting to stab him. He had trained me to push guys away. How? Because he would tell me to go out with other guys since he wasn't ready to commit...but if he ever saw me even talking to another guy or playing tennis with another guy, he would call me a "lying cheating bitch." And somehow I was the one apologizing, crying, trying to reassure him of my feelings for him. By the time I was finally free, I had been thoroughly trained to shut out and shut down guys I wasn't interested in. And I wasn't interested in anyone because I had loved him so completely.

So much pain from that relationship. All my defenses were up like The Great Wall after that. There were many things I had to tell myself over and over to get through that pain. And the picture I created that is attached to this post represents one of those things. I created this picture at the time because I had a friend who was going to make me a custom longboard...it never happened, but I have never forgotten this design or this quote I came up with to remind myself that pain is not bad. It is growth. It is hard, but it is a part of life. Without it, I couldn't have changed. I couldn't have become stronger. And maybe I'm still weak in many ways...but now at least, I know what it means to have a healthy relationship, and I know I have the strength to walk away when a relationship is fatally ill.

We all try to avoid pain...but when it comes...I try so hard to allow myself to embrace it, go through it, and not stay in it. I haven't mastered this lesson, but I have learned it, so I can practice it...work on it...and continue to grow. It will continue to guide me in life. I take responsibility for my role...I know that to a certain extent, this pain was self-inflicted. But now I have a compassion and understanding for people who feel trapped in unhealthy or abusive situations...and if you can't understand, be grateful you have never been through something that makes you understand. 

College dating...the early years.

As you can understand from my last post, high school dating was a bust. Granted a big part of that was probably my tendency to be a shy, reclusive introvert. So nervous to be rejected that I couldn't put myself out there to be accepted. I tried out for a play in 4th grade (mandatory) and froze in the audition. So embarrassing. When I asked my friend how my song was she said, "loud". Killed my desire to try out for anything. But my older sister was getting into performing, so I tried out for a musical group in 7th grade, but again my nerves got the better of me and I couldn't complete a simple scale. In high school I tried to hide in a volleyball class as an assisstant, but the coach saw my 5'9" stature and pushed me to try out. After his one minute instruction on how to approach for a spike, I couldn't deliver, so I got cut. In retrospect, I could have practiced and drilled hard and tried again next year...but one rejection was enough and it was easier to convince myself to just not care. I always wanted to be a diamond in the rough...not forcing my way to center stage but rather be discovered and brought to light by someone else. Because I'm not bold enough to TAKE center stage. I don't assume I'm center stage WORTHY. I see so many talented people around that I don't see any purpose to try because someone else is always better....someone else is always prettier or more popular or more desireable...and if a guy goes for me then it's probably because he thinks he can't get the really hot girl that he actually wants to be with. I'm the reality he settles for when he lets go of the fantasy woman he thinks he can't have. Either some hot sci-fi movie chick or an idealized comic book girl next door or some model or hot actress or just someone he sees as 'out of his league'. And my idealistic little heart wanted a soul-mate...someone who would see me and choose me and look to me like I was his sun, his moon, and his stars...even when the hot girl came around. Even if the "hot" girl talked to him, he wouldn't let her in because our souls were content to find a home in each other. Attention from other girls wouldn't matter to him...he wouldn't seek it, invite it or accept it...he was mine as I was his. That was the connection and the love and the commitment I dreamed of. That was my fantasy. And now that I have "grown up"...I don't know what love means. So many things have confused love. Men that say they can separate the physical and emotional...they love their wife while they screw their whore and somehow that's okay because it's "just sex". Sorry...obviously on a rambling rant. Back to the topic at hand...high school dating was a bust...

And then I went to college. And suddenly realized how small high school really is in this great big world. I realized I was funny...like people enjoyed my sense of humor. I realized people accept me just fine. I made friends and got attention from guys. Dating didn't change too quickly in college and I was still standoffish when it came to getting interest from guys I was not interested in. I've never really figured out how to deal with that well actually. If you try to be nice, guys won't give up and keep flirting on the sidelines, vying for attention. If you are direct in your rejection then you get labeled as rude or not giving a good guy a chance. Except guys are generally choosing the woman based on their own superficial motivations...so it's really just manipulative shaming.

I don't remember every invitation or every date...but there were a couple that stood out.
First, I remember when I was 19, my roommates tried to set me up. They knew I had a preference toward brown (ethnic) guys and they also knew I was a "good girl", so they decided on their friend's roommate. BLIND DATE. I remember meeting him...he was India brown, not my preferred Polynesian (poly) brown. But he was raised in the States, so no accent or anything. We were going to watch a movie on campus, but we had some time to kill so we walked around campus talking...or should I say interviewing. He fired questions at me about marriage and kids and motherhood. I can't remember specifics, but I do remember it feeling a little forced and awkward. We got in line for the theater doors to open and he started trying to get the attention of a random kid...felt like he was trying to show off his ability with kids. Again forced and awkward. We found our seats in the theater and the movie began. There was an innocent little romantic substory and at the kissing scene this guy starts elbowing me.......once again AWKWARD. I don't know which one of us was lacking social savvy skills. Maybe I just didn't get his humor. Maybe I would appreciate the joke now...but at the time all I remember thinking is "I don't know you and I'm most definitely not going to KISS you." We never spoke again after that date as far as I remember.

Second, this never amounted to a date, but one of my roommates worked at Sport's Authority and this guy came into apply one day. He didn't get the job, but she thought he was cute and got his number off the application. That's how I came to meet Jared. He would come by our apartment to hang out, but while she had thought he was cute, I guess they just became friends instead. I remember my roommates trying to corner me into sounding superficial as they went through pictures of the single guys from our church congregation. After going through a few guys on the list, they turned to me and said, "Would you go out with Jared if he looked like this?" and Jared made a weird face. Being put on the spot is not my forte to begin with as you might recognize from my reports on tryouts/auditions...and I didn't like that they were trying to make me look/sound like a bad person, so I came up with what I thought was a reasonable response: "I wouldn't go out with him anyway." I probably hurt his feelings. Not my initention. But I had been a part of enough conversations with him to realize we had a different sense of appropriate behavior in serious or sacred settings. So I felt like my answer was accurate. It wasn't until later I clued into the fact that he may have been interested. My other roommate was preparing for a church service mission and even though Jared had never gone on a single date with her, he proposed to her three days before she was supposed to leave. Their first date was as an engaged couple. The next time I saw him was after the wedding. I ran into him on campus and his first question was about my dating life. I always wondered how his version of the story would have gone. But I stand by my naive little statement at 19 years old...he was not the man for me.

Didn't even know I was on a date...

My dating life had a slow and confusing start.
When you're in high school and become of age (dating age=16 years old in my family) but no one is asking you out...you start to hear things like "you're intimidating." It's supposed to be a compliment, I think. And maybe in your later years you would say the same thing to a teen to try to make them feel better...but I couldn't be sure if boys were intimidated or if I was just unwanted. I was young and I didn't know how to see the world or tune into myself. I was always avoiding attention because I was scared to be made fun of or embarrassed. I hid in the fantasy world of literature. I bonded strongly to one or two close friends and put everything into those friendships. I needed only a single sincere and friendly gesture for me to open up. But not many people reach out at that age...not necessarily this age either sometimes...so I often stayed clammed up...hiding my pearl...my soul.

My defense was to not want things. I didn't want to go to school dances. And in a way, I really didn't. Because I only wanted to go if it was with one guy. With the fierce loyalty I learned in childhood, I found that I also 'crushed' loyally as well. I didn't have 5 or 6 cute boys in mind that would have been acceptable dates...I had ONE. And his name was Ryan. Okay if we're being honest, I did have a JTT phase, but you probably only understand that if you're a girl born in the 80's. But he was a celebrity crush. Ryan was a real boy in my life that I could see (or sneak glances...or blatantly stare at) every day when I went to class. I got pesos (bonus points for participation) from my Spanish class and never used them...I remember trying to give Ryan all my besos..uh, I mean pesos, in 8th grade. Really it was just an excuse to talk to him...and to get his attention. I liked him every single year of my Jr. High and High School experience. Except one...in 9th grade I decided to NOT like him in a valiant attempt to be free of my unrequited love...so I got a crush on another boy...but in 10th grade I got an off-putting vibe from him and Ryan quickly had my 'crushed' heart again.

Most girls in school liked Ryan. I wouldn't even say he was the cutest boy in our school, but there was something about him. He was good, honest, kind, talented, smart, well-rounded...he was co-captain of the football team but could serenade with the best of them...singing Tears in Heaven and playing his guitar. Sighhhhhhhh. Anyway! I was able to disuade my "crushing" loyalty a bit during my senior year to start noticing

Anyway! I didn't get asked out once in high school. Long brown hair, slender, 5'9" and green eyes. First, I was taller than a lot of the guys from the time I was 14. I guess technically I did get asked out once...when I was 14...by a guy who was in college. I always looked about 5 years older than I really was. And I was reserved and shy which probably came off as aloof and overly mature for high school boys. I don't know. But this is all just meant to paint you a little picture of the mind and heart of a young woman venturing into the dating world.

So here's how my first few dates went...generally without me even knowing I was on a date.
(not a) Date 1: A cute boy (I could see he was cute because I had removed my Ryan blinders by my senior year of high school) was coming over to get some textbooks. While we were chatting, my brother and his new bride invited me over for dinner and maybe to play some games. I invited this young man to come along and we headed over to my brother's apartment. After a lovely evening of dinner and games, we went home. Somewhere in our conversation, I expressed that I had never been on a date. A day or two later, this young man informed me that when he described our outing to another person, that person said it was a date and therefore I had been on a date. Um...yay...?
(not a) Date 2: Toward the end of my senior year of high school, my spring birthday just happened to coincide with a school dance. My options seemed limited...either have a party that no one would come to, or go to the dance where all my friends would be...but I didn't have a date. Generously, one of my guy friends that attended a nearby high school offered to be my "date" so that I could go to the dance. Honestly...I have no memory of that night. All I can be sure of was that it wasn't a formal dance because I never once got a fancy dress until I started being a bridesmaid, which didn't start until I was 19. Um...yay...?
(not a) Date 3: My sister-in-law decided she wanted to set me up with a cousin from Arizona. Then somehow it became him and his brother, so I got my sister, but my sister had a boyfriend and she wasn't comfortable calling it a date, so we decided it wasn't a date. But then during the date, the guys' behavior was very much date-like, so I leaned over to my sister to express my confusion and she said, "Oh I didn't tell you? My boyfriend said it wasn't a big deal, so yes, it's a date." Ummm...yay...?
(not a) Date 4: One of my best friends got asked out for a dance, but the boy didn't have a group...it would just be the two of them. That was not so good by her ultra-conservative parents' standard, but they decided it was okay if he was just taking her straight to the dance where she could join her friends. But horror! On the day of the dance, he decided to take her to dinner beforehand! Sarah called me with her predicament and I remember telling her, "Sarah, you know I don't care about school dances, but if I could, I'd go so that you could have someone to double with." She asked if I really meant that and I said I did. She quickly started calling every guy she knew in our senior class. Including Ryan's best friend. Yes people, THAT Ryan. The Ryan I had struggled not to care about during my seenior year of high school. His friend said he didn't have money (kind of stung since I knew his parents and his mom had told me that she paid for his dates so he wouldn't NOT go to school things because of money) but to ask his friend John or...WAIT FOR IT...RYAN! My friend of course knew of my long-standing crush and chose to call him. It took her a while to get a hold of him but she finally did and he said yes. I was in shock. I had a date with Ryan...! Oh my gosh I had to buy new shoes! Ryan wasn't that tall and I needed to have some decent flats.

So for all of my dates early on in life...none of them asked me out. Accidental dates, blind dates, birthday dates, last minute rescue dates... but then ladies and gentleman, I went to COLLEGE. And the game started to change.