College dating...the early years.

As you can understand from my last post, high school dating was a bust. Granted a big part of that was probably my tendency to be a shy, reclusive introvert. So nervous to be rejected that I couldn't put myself out there to be accepted. I tried out for a play in 4th grade (mandatory) and froze in the audition. So embarrassing. When I asked my friend how my song was she said, "loud". Killed my desire to try out for anything. But my older sister was getting into performing, so I tried out for a musical group in 7th grade, but again my nerves got the better of me and I couldn't complete a simple scale. In high school I tried to hide in a volleyball class as an assisstant, but the coach saw my 5'9" stature and pushed me to try out. After his one minute instruction on how to approach for a spike, I couldn't deliver, so I got cut. In retrospect, I could have practiced and drilled hard and tried again next year...but one rejection was enough and it was easier to convince myself to just not care. I always wanted to be a diamond in the rough...not forcing my way to center stage but rather be discovered and brought to light by someone else. Because I'm not bold enough to TAKE center stage. I don't assume I'm center stage WORTHY. I see so many talented people around that I don't see any purpose to try because someone else is always better....someone else is always prettier or more popular or more desireable...and if a guy goes for me then it's probably because he thinks he can't get the really hot girl that he actually wants to be with. I'm the reality he settles for when he lets go of the fantasy woman he thinks he can't have. Either some hot sci-fi movie chick or an idealized comic book girl next door or some model or hot actress or just someone he sees as 'out of his league'. And my idealistic little heart wanted a soul-mate...someone who would see me and choose me and look to me like I was his sun, his moon, and his stars...even when the hot girl came around. Even if the "hot" girl talked to him, he wouldn't let her in because our souls were content to find a home in each other. Attention from other girls wouldn't matter to him...he wouldn't seek it, invite it or accept it...he was mine as I was his. That was the connection and the love and the commitment I dreamed of. That was my fantasy. And now that I have "grown up"...I don't know what love means. So many things have confused love. Men that say they can separate the physical and emotional...they love their wife while they screw their whore and somehow that's okay because it's "just sex". Sorry...obviously on a rambling rant. Back to the topic at hand...high school dating was a bust...

And then I went to college. And suddenly realized how small high school really is in this great big world. I realized I was funny...like people enjoyed my sense of humor. I realized people accept me just fine. I made friends and got attention from guys. Dating didn't change too quickly in college and I was still standoffish when it came to getting interest from guys I was not interested in. I've never really figured out how to deal with that well actually. If you try to be nice, guys won't give up and keep flirting on the sidelines, vying for attention. If you are direct in your rejection then you get labeled as rude or not giving a good guy a chance. Except guys are generally choosing the woman based on their own superficial motivations...so it's really just manipulative shaming.

I don't remember every invitation or every date...but there were a couple that stood out.
First, I remember when I was 19, my roommates tried to set me up. They knew I had a preference toward brown (ethnic) guys and they also knew I was a "good girl", so they decided on their friend's roommate. BLIND DATE. I remember meeting him...he was India brown, not my preferred Polynesian (poly) brown. But he was raised in the States, so no accent or anything. We were going to watch a movie on campus, but we had some time to kill so we walked around campus talking...or should I say interviewing. He fired questions at me about marriage and kids and motherhood. I can't remember specifics, but I do remember it feeling a little forced and awkward. We got in line for the theater doors to open and he started trying to get the attention of a random kid...felt like he was trying to show off his ability with kids. Again forced and awkward. We found our seats in the theater and the movie began. There was an innocent little romantic substory and at the kissing scene this guy starts elbowing me.......once again AWKWARD. I don't know which one of us was lacking social savvy skills. Maybe I just didn't get his humor. Maybe I would appreciate the joke now...but at the time all I remember thinking is "I don't know you and I'm most definitely not going to KISS you." We never spoke again after that date as far as I remember.

Second, this never amounted to a date, but one of my roommates worked at Sport's Authority and this guy came into apply one day. He didn't get the job, but she thought he was cute and got his number off the application. That's how I came to meet Jared. He would come by our apartment to hang out, but while she had thought he was cute, I guess they just became friends instead. I remember my roommates trying to corner me into sounding superficial as they went through pictures of the single guys from our church congregation. After going through a few guys on the list, they turned to me and said, "Would you go out with Jared if he looked like this?" and Jared made a weird face. Being put on the spot is not my forte to begin with as you might recognize from my reports on tryouts/auditions...and I didn't like that they were trying to make me look/sound like a bad person, so I came up with what I thought was a reasonable response: "I wouldn't go out with him anyway." I probably hurt his feelings. Not my initention. But I had been a part of enough conversations with him to realize we had a different sense of appropriate behavior in serious or sacred settings. So I felt like my answer was accurate. It wasn't until later I clued into the fact that he may have been interested. My other roommate was preparing for a church service mission and even though Jared had never gone on a single date with her, he proposed to her three days before she was supposed to leave. Their first date was as an engaged couple. The next time I saw him was after the wedding. I ran into him on campus and his first question was about my dating life. I always wondered how his version of the story would have gone. But I stand by my naive little statement at 19 years old...he was not the man for me.

Didn't even know I was on a date...

My dating life had a slow and confusing start.
When you're in high school and become of age (dating age=16 years old in my family) but no one is asking you out...you start to hear things like "you're intimidating." It's supposed to be a compliment, I think. And maybe in your later years you would say the same thing to a teen to try to make them feel better...but I couldn't be sure if boys were intimidated or if I was just unwanted. I was young and I didn't know how to see the world or tune into myself. I was always avoiding attention because I was scared to be made fun of or embarrassed. I hid in the fantasy world of literature. I bonded strongly to one or two close friends and put everything into those friendships. I needed only a single sincere and friendly gesture for me to open up. But not many people reach out at that age...not necessarily this age either sometimes...so I often stayed clammed up...hiding my pearl...my soul.

My defense was to not want things. I didn't want to go to school dances. And in a way, I really didn't. Because I only wanted to go if it was with one guy. With the fierce loyalty I learned in childhood, I found that I also 'crushed' loyally as well. I didn't have 5 or 6 cute boys in mind that would have been acceptable dates...I had ONE. And his name was Ryan. Okay if we're being honest, I did have a JTT phase, but you probably only understand that if you're a girl born in the 80's. But he was a celebrity crush. Ryan was a real boy in my life that I could see (or sneak glances...or blatantly stare at) every day when I went to class. I got pesos (bonus points for participation) from my Spanish class and never used them...I remember trying to give Ryan all my besos..uh, I mean pesos, in 8th grade. Really it was just an excuse to talk to him...and to get his attention. I liked him every single year of my Jr. High and High School experience. Except one...in 9th grade I decided to NOT like him in a valiant attempt to be free of my unrequited love...so I got a crush on another boy...but in 10th grade I got an off-putting vibe from him and Ryan quickly had my 'crushed' heart again.

Most girls in school liked Ryan. I wouldn't even say he was the cutest boy in our school, but there was something about him. He was good, honest, kind, talented, smart, well-rounded...he was co-captain of the football team but could serenade with the best of them...singing Tears in Heaven and playing his guitar. Sighhhhhhhh. Anyway! I was able to disuade my "crushing" loyalty a bit during my senior year to start noticing

Anyway! I didn't get asked out once in high school. Long brown hair, slender, 5'9" and green eyes. First, I was taller than a lot of the guys from the time I was 14. I guess technically I did get asked out once...when I was 14...by a guy who was in college. I always looked about 5 years older than I really was. And I was reserved and shy which probably came off as aloof and overly mature for high school boys. I don't know. But this is all just meant to paint you a little picture of the mind and heart of a young woman venturing into the dating world.

So here's how my first few dates went...generally without me even knowing I was on a date.
(not a) Date 1: A cute boy (I could see he was cute because I had removed my Ryan blinders by my senior year of high school) was coming over to get some textbooks. While we were chatting, my brother and his new bride invited me over for dinner and maybe to play some games. I invited this young man to come along and we headed over to my brother's apartment. After a lovely evening of dinner and games, we went home. Somewhere in our conversation, I expressed that I had never been on a date. A day or two later, this young man informed me that when he described our outing to another person, that person said it was a date and therefore I had been on a date. Um...yay...?
(not a) Date 2: Toward the end of my senior year of high school, my spring birthday just happened to coincide with a school dance. My options seemed limited...either have a party that no one would come to, or go to the dance where all my friends would be...but I didn't have a date. Generously, one of my guy friends that attended a nearby high school offered to be my "date" so that I could go to the dance. Honestly...I have no memory of that night. All I can be sure of was that it wasn't a formal dance because I never once got a fancy dress until I started being a bridesmaid, which didn't start until I was 19. Um...yay...?
(not a) Date 3: My sister-in-law decided she wanted to set me up with a cousin from Arizona. Then somehow it became him and his brother, so I got my sister, but my sister had a boyfriend and she wasn't comfortable calling it a date, so we decided it wasn't a date. But then during the date, the guys' behavior was very much date-like, so I leaned over to my sister to express my confusion and she said, "Oh I didn't tell you? My boyfriend said it wasn't a big deal, so yes, it's a date." Ummm...yay...?
(not a) Date 4: One of my best friends got asked out for a dance, but the boy didn't have a group...it would just be the two of them. That was not so good by her ultra-conservative parents' standard, but they decided it was okay if he was just taking her straight to the dance where she could join her friends. But horror! On the day of the dance, he decided to take her to dinner beforehand! Sarah called me with her predicament and I remember telling her, "Sarah, you know I don't care about school dances, but if I could, I'd go so that you could have someone to double with." She asked if I really meant that and I said I did. She quickly started calling every guy she knew in our senior class. Including Ryan's best friend. Yes people, THAT Ryan. The Ryan I had struggled not to care about during my seenior year of high school. His friend said he didn't have money (kind of stung since I knew his parents and his mom had told me that she paid for his dates so he wouldn't NOT go to school things because of money) but to ask his friend John or...WAIT FOR IT...RYAN! My friend of course knew of my long-standing crush and chose to call him. It took her a while to get a hold of him but she finally did and he said yes. I was in shock. I had a date with Ryan...! Oh my gosh I had to buy new shoes! Ryan wasn't that tall and I needed to have some decent flats.

So for all of my dates early on in life...none of them asked me out. Accidental dates, blind dates, birthday dates, last minute rescue dates... but then ladies and gentleman, I went to COLLEGE. And the game started to change.