I don't accept normal

If you want to better understand this post and how it was inspired, read this article first:
http://mic.com/articles/110338/12-women-who-had-the-perfect-response-to-sexist-questions

Now, I know what I'm about to say is not exactly the same topic...but the other day I saw a different article posted on the 'magic of makeup' and every item was a before and after picture of women that were not even recognizable from their first picture...and I hated it.

Enhancing your beauty with a little mascara and coverup or blush is completely different from losing yourself in a tub of colored creams and powders. How are you supposed to accept and love your body when your glamour shots look like somebody else? Halloween, sure, look like someone else...preferably the Hulk...or a muppet.

Women are not just here for your viewing pleasure. And before you agree with me, ladies, let me say this: neither are men. There are some (both men and women, in fact) that may feel (consciously or subconsciously) that they gain "confidence" through superficial validation while their insecurities are temporarily soothed...but this just makes a person dependent on others for consistent, constant and empty validation to maintain that "confidence". And yes it's in quotes because guess what...it's not real confidence. If your self-confidence is dependent on constant compliments, it's as unstable as two-legged cow...named Lean Beef.

Not to mention, just because people are willing to put themselves up for display, doesn't mean we should look at them that way. Their need to behave that way often indicates their insecurities (or desensitivity...I'm gonna go ahead and take some liberties by creating that word), but telling yourself it's okay to take advantage of that doesn't actually make it okay. Is a low-cut shirt an invitation to look at a woman's boobs? Honestly, that depends on the woman. Does that mean you should though?

Right about now, some will probably jump in and say, wait for it, "But it's NORMAL." What did your momma tell you about the phrase, "But everybody's doing it..."? (add whiny teenage voice for proper effect). Normal changes every year. And people just go along for the ride. Once upon a time, a bikini wasn't normal. Once upon a time, pornography wasn't normal. Once upon a time, sex before marriage wasn't normal. Once upon a time, abortion wasn't normal. If I defined my life, my value, my standards, my beliefs by what's "normal", I'd have to reinvent myself every year with the crashing morals of what I see around me. Another defense maybe...? How about this other favorite defense, "But it's BIOLOGY"...and then there's the classic "boys will be boys". YES, I get that there is some biology to it, and, in fact, recently read a fascinating post by a man who talked about that and how it is a daily struggle to be honest with himself about where his mind should be. He is choosing his mind, his conscience, over "normal" and "biology". Last I checked, your brain is also part of your biology. Do you have no more value than a cat in heat or do you hold yourself to a higher value with your mind?  http://78mag.com/2015/02/a-mans-perspective-on-yoga-pants/

So while this post is increasingly becoming less related to the initial article that inspired this (given at the top of this post), reading that initial article makes me glad that these women recognize and stand up for their value and talent as a PERSON rather than just being UNDERvalued as an aesthetically pleasing woman who wears pretty clothes, has pretty hair, and does her pretty nails. Yes there are many beautiful women in this world, but that does not DEFINE or give VALUE to us. A "hot" girl has no more value than a "not" girl, and a girl has no less value than a boy. Avoid gawking, ogling, fantasizing and lusting after someone you don't even know. Save it for someone you LOVE (reciprocally or otherwise it's just creepy stalker-ish).

I know that most people will ignore this or tell me however many ways I'm wrong or that it's not that big a deal or "it was just a joke"...and I respect your right to have a different opinion. But before you criticize my view, think of your daughters (present or future). What are they worth? What will you teach them about human value?

Whether it's women or men, boys or girls, lusting after a stranger is just disrespectful. Same reason I hated the slow-mo portion of "Click". Same reason I never responded to a guy who's opening line for flirting was "We could bet on this game. Maybe you could ride me for 8 seconds...I was totally joking." I'm tired of hearing all the superficial, lustful comments about STRANGERS. "I'd tap that"? REALLY?? Don't touch me...in fact, please don't even look at me.

I'm exhausted by the praise that is showered on the "beautiful people" for no other reason than that: appearance. If that's all you're bringing to my table, you have some personal progress to work on, because CHARACTER and how you make OTHERS feel emotionally trumps a pretty face (or hot body...or booty cuz you know I haven't forgotten Lady Kim) EVERY TIME!

No Growth Without Rain, No Life Without Pain

I have never loved someone so much, and I have never betrayed myself so completely for someone so wholly undeserving of that love. His emotional and verbal abuse was nonstop...but I interpreted his need for me as love, and I was sure that, one day, he would realize that if I was the first person he wanted to talk to every morning, if he would actually get impatient waiting for me to wake up so he could talk to me, if I was the first person he wanted to see when he got home, if I was the one he came to for everything, if I was the one he trusted and opened up to...I was sure he would realize how much I meant to him and he would eventually commit to our relationship. What I didn't realize is how codependent and unhealthy our relationship had become.

Despite all his bipolar depressed cycles, despite pushing me away and pulling me in, despite him treating me more like a security blanket than a girlfriend, I thought maybe, just maybe, if I could last through all the emotional and verbal abuse...things would be different once he figured out his crap...faced his demons...or whatever other half-truths he fed me so I would keep hanging on. I tried to pull away several times, but he always made sure to give me that cursed hope...tugging at me every time I tried to pull away, tried to shake myself out of the nightmare I was living. And if I told him to just let me be...he would come after me, pull me close, and kiss me over and over. Hope became my own personal four letter word.

I was so lost in this terrible excuse for love that I didn't even realize I was a prisoner. Eventually I was able to do the one thing I never knew I was strong enough to do. Leave. It literally took months to remember how to smile without pain. Because of all the psychological games and manipulation he put me through, though unintentional on his part it was still the case, it took years before I could have a guy look at me without wanting to stab him. He had trained me to push guys away. How? Because he would tell me to go out with other guys since he wasn't ready to commit...but if he ever saw me even talking to another guy or playing tennis with another guy, he would call me a "lying cheating bitch." And somehow I was the one apologizing, crying, trying to reassure him of my feelings for him. By the time I was finally free, I had been thoroughly trained to shut out and shut down guys I wasn't interested in. And I wasn't interested in anyone because I had loved him so completely.

So much pain from that relationship. All my defenses were up like The Great Wall after that. There were many things I had to tell myself over and over to get through that pain. And the picture I created that is attached to this post represents one of those things. I created this picture at the time because I had a friend who was going to make me a custom longboard...it never happened, but I have never forgotten this design or this quote I came up with to remind myself that pain is not bad. It is growth. It is hard, but it is a part of life. Without it, I couldn't have changed. I couldn't have become stronger. And maybe I'm still weak in many ways...but now at least, I know what it means to have a healthy relationship, and I know I have the strength to walk away when a relationship is fatally ill.

We all try to avoid pain...but when it comes...I try so hard to allow myself to embrace it, go through it, and not stay in it. I haven't mastered this lesson, but I have learned it, so I can practice it...work on it...and continue to grow. It will continue to guide me in life. I take responsibility for my role...I know that to a certain extent, this pain was self-inflicted. But now I have a compassion and understanding for people who feel trapped in unhealthy or abusive situations...and if you can't understand, be grateful you have never been through something that makes you understand.