No Growth Without Rain, No Life Without Pain

I have never loved someone so much, and I have never betrayed myself so completely for someone so wholly undeserving of that love. His emotional and verbal abuse was nonstop...but I interpreted his need for me as love, and I was sure that, one day, he would realize that if I was the first person he wanted to talk to every morning, if he would actually get impatient waiting for me to wake up so he could talk to me, if I was the first person he wanted to see when he got home, if I was the one he came to for everything, if I was the one he trusted and opened up to...I was sure he would realize how much I meant to him and he would eventually commit to our relationship. What I didn't realize is how codependent and unhealthy our relationship had become.

Despite all his bipolar depressed cycles, despite pushing me away and pulling me in, despite him treating me more like a security blanket than a girlfriend, I thought maybe, just maybe, if I could last through all the emotional and verbal abuse...things would be different once he figured out his crap...faced his demons...or whatever other half-truths he fed me so I would keep hanging on. I tried to pull away several times, but he always made sure to give me that cursed hope...tugging at me every time I tried to pull away, tried to shake myself out of the nightmare I was living. And if I told him to just let me be...he would come after me, pull me close, and kiss me over and over. Hope became my own personal four letter word.

I was so lost in this terrible excuse for love that I didn't even realize I was a prisoner. Eventually I was able to do the one thing I never knew I was strong enough to do. Leave. It literally took months to remember how to smile without pain. Because of all the psychological games and manipulation he put me through, though unintentional on his part it was still the case, it took years before I could have a guy look at me without wanting to stab him. He had trained me to push guys away. How? Because he would tell me to go out with other guys since he wasn't ready to commit...but if he ever saw me even talking to another guy or playing tennis with another guy, he would call me a "lying cheating bitch." And somehow I was the one apologizing, crying, trying to reassure him of my feelings for him. By the time I was finally free, I had been thoroughly trained to shut out and shut down guys I wasn't interested in. And I wasn't interested in anyone because I had loved him so completely.

So much pain from that relationship. All my defenses were up like The Great Wall after that. There were many things I had to tell myself over and over to get through that pain. And the picture I created that is attached to this post represents one of those things. I created this picture at the time because I had a friend who was going to make me a custom longboard...it never happened, but I have never forgotten this design or this quote I came up with to remind myself that pain is not bad. It is growth. It is hard, but it is a part of life. Without it, I couldn't have changed. I couldn't have become stronger. And maybe I'm still weak in many ways...but now at least, I know what it means to have a healthy relationship, and I know I have the strength to walk away when a relationship is fatally ill.

We all try to avoid pain...but when it comes...I try so hard to allow myself to embrace it, go through it, and not stay in it. I haven't mastered this lesson, but I have learned it, so I can practice it...work on it...and continue to grow. It will continue to guide me in life. I take responsibility for my role...I know that to a certain extent, this pain was self-inflicted. But now I have a compassion and understanding for people who feel trapped in unhealthy or abusive situations...and if you can't understand, be grateful you have never been through something that makes you understand.