For all the imperfections and mistakes that a person can be capable of (we ALL have many), there is one thing I can't accept in a relationship: deception. If you feel unable to be open and honest with your significant other, there can be no relationship. A great relationship is based on being one with your partner. It's that unity and intimacy that bonds you as best friends and holds a special place for the one you love.
My ex went behind my back, searched about me online (but not in a 'stalker' way according to him), and read my anonymous journal for months despite seeing me several times a week, having several conversations regarding the struggles we faced as a couple...and the whole time, we never actually had a chance because he was deceiving me. He was apparently angry at what I wrote (fair enough, it was unfiltered frustration at our obstacles), but he never addressed the issues to me as an us...he just continued to pretend that everything was okay and to have deeply sensitive and serious conversations after which he once again would go behind my back to look up my latest entry. Now I look back at some things that stuck in my mind and realize many of them were his passive aggressive shots from the shadows. I'm sure there are far more than I can even remembers, but I didn't realize he was swinging, so every punch landed subtly yet solid.
Did he get off on reading about himself? Was he waiting to see if the narrative would change? Trying to manipulate the narrative to check his ability to influence it. And then when it didn't get better, decided it wasn't worth it? Did he get off on the ups and downs of my emotional frustration and pain that dragged out for months? Pretending...always pretending. Apparently I didn't give him enough credit as an actor. Too bad he can't add the past year to his reel!
At the end, he again expressed 'how hard' he tried...that he did his best. If his best includes a year of deceiving me, lying to my face, pretending and betraying my trust day in and day out...his best seems pretty weak. As bad as things were over the past year, I don't think I ever quite wrote off his ability to redeem my trust (people can change and I almost always see their potential)...until I found out he lied. His past was full of mistakes. I claim no right to perfection either. All those things were things I was willing to accept as each of us progresses and grows each day in our sincere effort to become better people. But deception, particularly this level and for this length of time, creates not just a wall, but a canyon between two people. And he was never one to overcome a true challenge. He was the one that got over one hurdle and then stopped and seemed to expect the rest to fall into place. And the more he works to prove these words wrong...the more he will prove me right as he might finally figure out that the shift I was looking for would benefit him more than me. But hey, he said he's ready to use what I taught him for the benefit of the next woman...so, you're both very welcome.
All the times he chose the squirrel girls. All the times he broke my heart. All the times he cooked for me. All the times he told me he loved me. All the times we struggled to understand each other. All that time...wasted on a sandy foundation that had already been swept out from under me. There were a few things that made it hard to let go of and walk away sooner. The friendship, the conversation, the companionship, the warmth...but I was deceived. There was never trust. The connection I believed in was his illusion...much like his empathy. The unhealthy relationship of my past repeated and I didn't even know what I had done to myself until a year after I betrayed myself by doubting my instincts about him. Always the benefit of the doubt. Always waiting to see if things would shift. Not wanting to project the past onto the present, so denying the parallels all along the way until the final end.
But it was all a lie. He was a pretender. An actor. His most convincing role thus far. The self-righteous indignation in which he faced me at the end, trying to justify or deny using me. Twice in four months that he was 'trying to figure things out' yet couldn't 'figure out' that he didn't want me until he was already pursuing another woman.
But of course he denies keeping me around as a security blanket. That would be too obvious. Of course he doesn't take responsibility for the mixed signals and for not being up front with me until it's already too late...again. And then to top it off, his 'reasons' add up to using his ex insta-fiancee's words against me, using a 15 month old sentence I had said against me, and then characterizing my deep underlying flaw as 'selfishness'. It sounded a lot like when he told me his exwife's deep underlying flaw was trust, yet never acknowledged his role and responsibility in how that might have come to be.
His 'honesty' told me what had happened in his past, but not how he felt about it; there was never a sense of 'this is why it didn't work out' or 'I shouldn't have done that' or 'this won't happen again' or I learned a lot. His tone never suggested anything was wrong with his behavior or that he felt his exwife was ever justified in her feelings; his tone only ever suggested that something was wrong with other people's perception. And his perception of my perception was that I was deeply selfish. That was his final justification to himself that he should move on to the next woman he had already started dating before he bothered to clue me in to his feelings or 'perception'.
I take it seriously when people confront me with a judgment like that. Selfish. Okay. So I have thought about it regularly since he said it. It's the first time anyone has ever said that about me. My closest friends, the people who know me best, have never called me selfish. I don't deny that I may have some selfish moments (particularly as an overanalytical introvert who keeps her world small or feels drained), but I've really thought about my life, and considering the last 10 or 15 years, I have to say, I'm not sure I accept his perspective. Having served a church mission, having applied to the Peace Corps, having worked successfully in multiple jobs that focus on others (tour guiding, teaching, tutoring, customer service, etc.) having been recognized and sought out for jobs due to my track record, and having spent the last year of my life trying to make things easier on him while I was going through hell because he was 'figuring things out', and then after all that finding out that he's been hiding issues deeply relevant to our relationship because it was in HIS self-interest.
He implied that I was insecure, but when he got engaged overnight, I could stand back and recognize that it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his issues. He implied that I didn't trust him, but the saddest thing is that, in a way, I did. And in the end, it became clear that I had been wrong to do even that. And having watched the patterns play out in our last 15 months as well as learning about the patterns in his last 25 years, it only reinforced in my mind that he was/is insecure, he was/is unstable, he was/is not worthy of trust, he was/is deceptive, and he was/is selfish. Because there was never an us. After keeping me around as a booty call or a security blanket and mixed signals and everything else, he wanted to keep me around as a friend because he liked my 'unique, fun banter'...knowing how much he hurt me the last year he still wanted to keep me around for entertainment value yet I'M the selfish one??? Does he hear himself speak?
I was an accessory, not a major player in his narcissistic game of life. And when the accessory didn't match the image he was looking for, it was conveniently set aside. And when it made itself an inconvenient accessory to maintain, it was conveniently disposed of.
That last night we spoke, he got defensive and actually rather indignant when my frustration brought the concept of 'asshole' to the conversation. After he sat there and blamed our failed relationship on a 15 month old single sentence that he couldn't 'let go' despite all his claims of 'letting go' of other far more significant things, after he used his exfiancee's words that had been directed at him to tell me that he wasn't 'emotionally equipped to handle me', after informing me that he had already been pursuing other women for over a month and had even secured a new girlfriend before he finally found it convenient to let me know while denying that I had reason to be confused by several mixed signals he had been sending out in the final months of our 'friendship', and after finally letting me know that he had been reading my proverbial journal for a year when he knew I wouldn't want him reading it and that it wasn't meant for him to read, not to mention he should have told me, I don't know, A YEAR AGO, so that we could have acted like we were two mature adults communicating and working together on a relationship...after all that, HE was indignant about being called an asshole. Why am I even surprised? This new woman only knows what he tells her and only sees him the way he wants to be seen, so he can go back to believing he's not the selfish, narcissistic jerk that kept up appearances with me only to convince himself some more that he's not a 'bad guy'.
Because he's the guy that chats up ladies on Facebook, starts pursuing half a dozen women, gets one of these strangers her favorite cake because he's such a 'nice guy' and offers to take her for a birthday lunch...all the while unable to face me or even treat me like a human being, much less a friend, so clearly, he's so not an asshole, right? His spoiled harem might not agree with me, but I'm guessing more than one of his exes would. A stranger or an acquaintance or even a random friend telling you how nice and sweet you are is not nearly as substantial as the good opinion of the people who are actually close to you.
And therein always lied the problem. He's the 'nice guy' but not the 'good guy'. He's the guy that can keep a thousand superficial attachments entertained with gestures above and beyond the level of attachment, so they are always gushing about him, but he fails when a real relationship (or job) requires a deeper investment, a deeper commitment, and a deeper level of loyalty. I can see it in him because I recognize certain elements of that in myself when it comes to really investing in and pursuing a career. I can go all in for a guy I believe I love, but a career has never drawn that side of me out. But let me clarify: the nice guy keeps up appearances and keeps you around trying to make you feel better because he can't handle the guilt of hurting a woman while the good guy doesn't string her along to alleviate his guilt and have a security blanket rather than release her to move on while he deals with his own loneliness. Sadly, loneliness affects us all.
Anyway, I made enough excuses for him and for me and for us in the last year. In my mind we were done, but the attachment persisted. But now knowing that he was actually deceiving me the whole last year puts so much into perspective. The connection, the attachment, the friendship, the love...was never real because he was never real. He was playing a role and I just didn't know. Aren't I foolish, naive and overly trusting of those I should not trust? But now I know the ending. The punch line. The truth.
Exit stage left. The lights dim. The audience is left with a sense of melancholic awe yet understanding at the final twist in the plot. There are a couple uncertain claps heard which happens when the audience realizes the abrupt end that faces them and the significance of the ending begins to set in. The solution and closure they awaited becomes obsolete in the face of deception. The house lights don't come back on. The curtain doesn't raise. There is no final bow. Which only adds to the poignant abruptness that ended the story.
